FROM DIANE
This short snippet is part of a new novel. The protag, Kelly, has just gotten out of bed after a one-night stand and has gone out to the patio to ponder the events of the evening. Any critique would be welcome...thanks!!
Swinging her legs one at a time up and over, she sat on the railing and thought of the cowboy who had walked out of her life as swiftly as he’d entered it. The whole night seemed like a blur - the lights of the club dancing to the beat of the music as couples spun around the smooth wood of the dance floor to the two-step or the waltz. Friends laughing and drinking, the DJ playing too many line dances in a row, and for some reason love song after love song that just seemed to add to the depression of the dateless females that filled the barstools, as men walked by to appraise the selection of meat available for the evening. Kelly swigged her beer and wished for a few renditions of real country music to dance to like, “my wife left me, my dog died, my father is in jail, but I still got my boots and cowboy hat to get me through the pain.”
After she dismissed three young men with over-inflated egos who believed they were God’s gift to women, she noticed him at the end of the bar. He had a killer smile and filled his Levi’s out well, so her standards for the evening were met. After sending him a beer via the bartender he made his way through the crowd to her, and five short hours later it was all over. It seemed like a lifetime had gone by in just a few moments, and shame filled her. She’d shared her body and her bed with a man she didn’t even know; a man she would forever call “The Cowboy” because she couldn’t even remember his name
CRITIQUE
Take a look at "About Hammer & Tongs" and cut the words...like this:
The whole night seemed like a blur - the lights of the club dancing to the beat of the music as couples spun around the smooth wood of the dance floor to the two-step or the waltz. Friends laughing and drinking, the DJ playing too many line dances in a row, and for some reason love song after love song that just seemed to add to the depression of the dateless females that filled the barstools, as men walked by to appraise the selection of meat available for the evening.
The whole night blurred together - the club lights dancing to the music as couples two-stepped or waltzed around the dance floor and friends laughed and drank; the DJ playing too many consecutive line dances; love songs depressing the single women perched on barstools, as men appraised the evening meat selection.
See? Said the same thing with about 40% less words. Your writing suffers from a scarcity of good verbs. The verb “to seem” ought to be a red flag to re-evaluate a sentence. You wrote a ton of prepositional phrases - 13 just in that little bit I edited:
of the club
to the beat
of the music
around the smooth wood
of the dance floor
to the two-step
in a row
for some reason
after love song
to the depression
of the dateless females
of meat
for the evening
It’s also full of bland cliches, but that might not be bad if you contrast it next to her meeting a unique man in an interesting environment, who actually respects her.