This is a scene I am working on right now...Hope it's not too bad.


The word oasis normally brings to mind lush green palms, looming over clear water, in the middle of a parched desert. To a newly hired Jennifer mills, who was just arriving at work, oasis meant: urban dump in the middle of nowhere. A luxury apartment complex, with a sparkling pool and spacious gym, is what the brochure said. The gym consisted of a rickety treadmill and an incomplete, missed-matched, set of rusted dumbbells. The five foot pool was three-quarters filled with green water that sat over a layer of soggy leaves protruding just under the surface. No bother, in three sidewalks, one alley, and five feet, she'd be reclining in her chair, feet propped up on the desk, enjoying a melted pepper-jack, ham, and sourdough sandwich, thumbing through the classifieds. Black and white print was no Picasso, but it was better than looking at the slimy concoction Dr. Frankenstein would have used to bring his cadaver to life -- otherwise known as a pool -- directly outside of her office window.

The sandwich's pleasing aroma wafted through the loosely crumpled bag in her hand, as Jennifer exited the blue Taurus on her way to work. The car's alarm system barked as she quietly slipped through the side gate and fought off the nippy morning breeze with a sip of French roast. All was placid for three sidewalks and down the alleyway, until her foot slid through a pile of cat manure; courtesy of Felix, the elusive short haired Persian who routinely infiltrated the gated apartments. As if the rusted dumbbells and slimy pool weren't hazardous enough, she could now add her favorite new pair of converses to the list of casualties. Fortunately, she kept a spare pair of sneakers in her office, if she had time to get them before she made a crappy first impression with one of the residents. She was halfway through the door of her office when a voice halted her in her tracks. The voice that was halfway across the complex was now replaced by footsteps quickly closing the distance between them


You need to make it clear that Oasis is the name of the apartment complex. The pool "three-quarters filled with green water" does not sit "over a layer of soggy leaves". That would break a few scientific laws. No, the leaves float on top of the water. I've never heard of something protruding under something else. Protruding from or into, yes; protruding under, no. I'd axe the final sentence of paragraph's really awful. Can't think of any reason for it to be there aside from an lame attempt at cutesy.

A smell wafts in the air, and typically fills an area large enough that you can stand in a position where the smell does not reach you, and then it wafts or drifts to you. No smell wafts through a "loosely crumpled bag". After "As if the rusted dumbbells and slimy pool weren't hazardous enough," I expect you describe an even greater hazard, like Felix, but the "casualties" thing is a total disconnect. It's "pair of Converse", by the way.

Other than that, it could use some trimming and a few better verbs, but the writing itself is not too bad. I like the "made a crappy first impression", but then I'm a sucker for bad puns.