FROM BOOK WERM But Louis’ bedding store had prospered. Bella’s sales skills sabotaged customer’s intentions perhaps only to refresh a featherbed ticking. Often, they did not leave before placing an order for satin finery with which to dress their beds. Most days she stayed in the store on the ground floor of the three story building they had purchased years ago. Now, she wanted to spend more time as a mother and homemaker.
FROM HERMOINE I'm writing a children's book. I have a friend who is sort of a grammar guru, and he said I should use "fewer" instead of "less" in the sentence below. Is he right? A mom gives two of her kids some M & M's and one says: "I got less than him!" RESPONSE Technically, he's absolutely right. The rule is if you can count the difference, as with M & M's, use "
FROM HIEDI Thanks for your answer on the word "only". I didn't know it was that versatile. It got me thinking about "just". Isn't "just" really a synonym of "only"? I just wanted to take the ringed snake from the boy for his safety. RESPONSE It might seem to be a synonym at first glance, but it isn't really. "Just" can't always substitute for "only" by itself. It sometimes needs help from an article (the, an, a) or a subject and verb.
FROM HIEDI I wrote this sentence and my friend says it's wrong, but she can't tell me why. All she says is that it doesn't say what I'm wanting to say, but I say it does. Is there anything wrong with it? I only wanted to take the ringed snake from the boy for his safety. RESPONSE It's a perfectly grammatical and meaningful sentence. Whether it's wrong depends on the meaning you want to convey, and it all hinges on the placement of one word: only.
FROM MR ross Could you please tell me if there's anything wrong with this sentence? Any comment/s would be appreciatedWould you open this book is the descrition on the back read; Pretentious San Francisco Salon owner Kirk Armand is knee deep in midlife crises. Broke, balding, and with his romantic life in the toilet, Kirk fears he is another aging has-been. Just as he hits rock bottom, a pompadoured vagrant introduces him to a way out - a mysterious substance that has the power to restore lost hair.
FROM SUE Could you please tell me if there's anything wrong with this sentence? Any comment/s would be appreciated. He should be soaring like a bird on winning the race, but he was falling like a stone instead. Thanks. RESPONSE Well, difficult to know without a context. Is a character saying this about himself or about someone else? What kind of race was it? People can make a race out of a lot of things.
FROM SHAUN He was the average Joe attempting to blend into an acceptable societal role. An ideal familiy man, a father of four, and happily married for the past thirty years to his high school sweetheart. To envision himself continuing down the same path for the next thirty was no stretch of the imagination. With that in mind, it was a wonder he found himself standing on the beach at dusk, far in time and place from the jungles of Vietnam where every breath of his life had been spent with an attitude of hatred and doom.
FROM SEAN There had been a night when a majority of the players at Shane's table were wagering maximum-limit bets. Every player, except the woman on third base who played one green-chip, had refused a hit on their hands; the odds were in favor of the dealer busting. The inexperienced player had nothing at stake with a twenty-five-dollar bet, so she took a card. Sure enough, her hand broke. She had taken the dealer's bust card in the process.
FROM MR. CALABASH Just wanted to get some critique on a descriptive paragraph in my MS, wondering if its too adjective-heavy. For contex, the MC finds himself in a strange place (doesn't know how he got there) and sees something surprisingly unusual in the sky: "A large island hovered in the heavens drifting like a cloud. In the middle of the floating landmass was a vast lake, its waves calmly lapping against the hilly shore.
I happened upon a chunk of writing advice on parallelism when using conjunctions by a fellow named Mark Nichol. You can see the actual site here. All of his advice seems pretty fuzzy, like he doesn't exactly know what the heck he's talking about most of the time, so I thought I'd provide some clarity. My comments in red. 1. “We often pay more attention to them than our own children.
FROM DONNY I have begun the process of writing an epic poem with the hope of someday finding someone willing to publish. Please critique this sample so I can tell If I am going in the right direction. Who has heard of Fyodor, The hero of Mod who reclaimed the honor That his family had long been lacking? All know of Denahar the Exile Who founded the great city of Kisuvo
FROM JENNIE I’ve looked up the difference between e.g. and i.e., but I’m still a bit fuzzy on it. What’s your take on it? RESPONSE If you’ve already looked it up, you probably know that both are abbreviations for Latin words: e.g. is short for “exempli gratia”, meaning “for example”, and i.e. is short for “id est”, meaning “that is”, or “in other words”. If you’re like most, the fuzziness lies with “i.
FROM GARRISON This is the very beginning of a piece I've been working on. I feel like I'm doing too much telling, but I'm not sure if I should change it, or how to change it without losing the pace...or do you think it is too fast? I like beginnings to be fast and interesting, and then sort of ease into the story. Right after this part it slows down and there is a lot more "
FROM SCIGUY I'm thinking of making this the back cover of my third book in my series. I'm looking for opinions on the 'hook'. Is it enough to not only to read more, but perhaps to seek out the first two as well? Death seldom rides a pale horse these days. In the 24th century it seems to prefer riding starships, especially one named BRATTAIN. A year prior to her launch in 2345, Death paid its first visit to the Brattain, claiming the life of a construction worker when a support beam on the Bridge collapsed.
FROM SAM I often wonder why writers get so bogged down in needless over-thinking and generic "Can this be done?" questions. From chapter length, to multiple characters, and everything in between, their queries are often pointless in the grand scheme of things. How can I be so controversial? Because they simply are pointless, to the degree that they don't matter. Yes, you heard me. They don't matter. Let me regale you with an anecdote: I had a novel traditionally published (military thriller) at 150,000 words, with six main characters and six point-of-view characters, and a market niche that had ended some ten years previously when novels about the Cold War were usurped by those of the War on Terror.
FROM GNARL45 I’m trying to create a magazine for roleplaying games and I’m a bit confused on the whole writing process. I’d like to write some of the articles myself but I’m not a professional writer. My wordy prose and awkward transitions make my writing unpleasant to read. What does it normally take to turn an article written by an amateur into a professional quality text that is concise and pleasant to read?
FROM HARVEY Two cups of coffee this morning and my brain is still sludge. I am writing a horror (vampire) novel and I am disliking a particular description but can't put my finger on why. Here, Meric is talking to a fellow vampire about humans and the possibility that they know about their existence: "It's as if somewhere deep in their psyche, they know of us," observed Meric, slipping on his leather gloves.
FROM JONAH The last sentence is the narrator's. She is questioning the meaning of a character's exclamation. What is proper punctuation. The sentence is a question after all. My concern wasn’t Nick’s sisters’ safety. I can’t say I would have minded terribly if someone did shoot them—not him though! Fearing now for his safety, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to call the police because the gun probably wasn’t licensed.
FROM LEONODAS How much is too much when it comes to graphic depictions of violence and other profane things in literature? I suppose this is a culturally sensitive issue. Forty years ago, the standard of what is "too graphic" was a lot different than today, and I'd contend that what was once considerably X-rated violent is probably now the norm, even expected. When answering this question, keep in mind that graphic things for the sake of graphic things aren't quite what I'm getting at -- that just makes poorly-written literature.
FROM JENEANE I'm in the process of doing a bunch of rewrites, and I've noticed the words "that" and "had" popping up everywhere. Is Going to Sweden seemed like the last thing he would do. better than Going to Sweden seemed like the last thing that he would do. Or: Although she wasn't given to introspection, Sue felt there was some strange, foolish part of her that liked the way Bob was with money.
FROM GILBERT I have described an apartment and its many residents in several paragraphs of a story. The first sentence of a new paragraph follows. Is it awkwardly written? My parents, two brothers and I lived more commodiously and quietly on the floor below in the exact space directly beneath Harriet’s larger family’s apartment. RESPONSE Yeah, awkward. Don't think I've ever seen "commodious" used as an adverb before, and you could replace it with a simpler word.
FROM SEAN This paragraph has been bugging me since last night. Particularly the last sentance, because I don't know if it has the impact it should. Any suggestions for rewording or.... something. "Cori shivered as the two of them sized each other up; Nick standing with his back to the teeming ocean, seeming strangely small and alone as he struggled to keep his body from collapsing out from under him, every plane of his face burning with hatred.
FROM DAISY Lately, I've been dealing with my bad habit of using "that" in a lot of my sentences where it isn't necessary. Example: He knew that she was going to be in a bad mood when she got home from work. vs. He knew she was going to be in a bad mood when she got home from work. RESPONSE "That" is usually a good word to eliminate, but I think it is not nearly so harmful to good writing as weak or empty verbs.
FROM JARED77 "Let's go kill a dragon." "Alright, let's go." or is it: "All right" ? "How do you feel about killing the dragon?" "Alright, I guess." or "All right, I guess." RESPONSE The rule is that it's two words always, but "alright" is in all three of my dictionaries - they say it's non-standard usage for "all right". That said, the difference in how they look influences my use of them.
FROM MISSING TREES Hi I'm struggling a bit with my first paragraph, and having received some good advice, decided to post some options here. I've love to know which is preferred, and what makes the difference. Thank you in advance! Option 1 (original) Lights off, Derek’s tyres crunched the gravel as he manoeuvred his van toward the twisted wooden railings. The moonlight barely touched the objects in its ambit; the struts on the swing seemed to randomly obscure.
FROM GILFINDEL So help me out here. Where are commas needed, tolerated, or banned, particularly in compound sentences (another thing I'm apparently fond of, along with parenthetical statements)? In particular, would you use a comma before the "and" in any of the following sentence patterns: 1) This happened and that related thing happened. 2) This happened and that unrelated thing happened 3) This happened and then that happened. 4) That and that happened and then that other thing happened.
FROM CHARLIE I've done the requisite Googling - which favors "cannot" except for a few particular situations, but it just looks wrong to me. Opinions? What is your opinion re use of I shan't/I shall not? Just curious. RESPONSE I separate “cannot” only if I need to emphasize either part: I know Robert's spread himself a little thin, but he CAN not attend the party. Then he could rest. Robert can NOT attend the party; it's simply unacceptable.
FROM ELISE I'm having a hard time swallowing something my editor told me about possessive s's. I've always understood that you could show possession with just the apostrophe after the final s, or that you could also show it with the s's. I.e., Diane Rogers' pen or Diane Rogers's pen. I prefer to write using just the apostrophe. However, I was told that according to (please forgive me, I don't remember the full name of the manual, but it was something with Chicago in it) that manual, it HAS to be done s's.
It's Christmas time. Merry Christmas to everyone and all praise to the awesome God Who gave the greatest gift in history: Jesus Christ, Who sacrificed His life to atone for the sins of us all that we may enjoy everlasting life with Him in heaven. I'm taking a little time off, so this post in Hammer & Tongs will be the last on my website for a while. We'll start afresh on January 6 with a new post in The Crucible, and may God bless you in the coming new year.
FROM JON Hey John, I tried to write a tight scene, but maybe it's still loosey -- what do you think? Can I do better? (I really enjoy reading your critiques) Scene is a gathering at the boarding house dinner table between two kids, protagonist, two boarders and the owner Betsy. I want to convey Betsy as someone who doesn't like people to talk without her being present. Then I'll have the kids and protagonist leave the dinner table feeling as though Betsy has something to hide.
FROM GIL A quick question...I'm drawing a blank on this one, regarding "anymore" vs. "any more". If I tell someone I no longer love her (hypothetically, of course), would it be "I don't love you anymore." or "I don't love you any more."? I'm thinking the latter version is correct, but Word keeps flagging it as possibly incorrect usage, so it's throwing me off. What the official difference in usage, or are they actually synonymous?
FROM NETTAHOBS I love to write in 3rd person. I love to explore all the characters in my story and follow them as the story progresses. I have a question. How do I write without the constant use of She was, he was, they were and then he could.. you get it. I feel as though it gets redundant. some examples please? RESPONSE There's two things that can come after "
FROM MICHELLE My character is traveling I-10 from Pensacola to Jacksonville. He's pulling off for gas. I'm having all sorts of problems with this excerpt and I need some help! The shrubbery flashed orange as Will pulled the car off the Quincy exit, illuminating mile marker 181. At the top of the exit ramp, a lonely gas station and dilapidated 1930s bungalow struggled to remain erect. If it wasn’t for the EZ-Fuel sign flickering overhead, he might have mistaken it for the Bates' motel.
FROM BRYAN They say it's good to cut things out in the rewrite, that it tightens the story up and makes reading it easier. Well, I pulled out the ol' scissors a few hours ago, and have sinced turned in to a raving, cut-happy maniac! The more I look at the damn thing, the more stuff I want to edit out, and I can't tell whether I'm making my poor, long-suffering short story any better.
FROM LORNA I submit the following for your judgement and would love to hear your honest opinion. You will notice that it contains absolutely no dialogue. That's because I suck at descriptive writing and I want to practice it. Dialogue I do get, but descriptions have always been very hard for me. The piece is not a part of anything in particular (not part of a larger chapter or story), just a simple writing exercise that I did to train those muscles that dictate literary painting.
FROM TIM I am writing to you sir, because I have a writing problem and I was kinda hoping you could help. I am a wannabe writer. I am not a Novice or anything of that nature. I am just a plain wannabe writer, meaning that I really wish I was a writer, plain and simple. I have never written anything nor do I have any pen names. Now on to the e-mail.
FROM ROGUE MUTT I think telling people they shouldn't use verbs like "saw" is going to make them reach for a thesaurus and come up with ridiculous sentence constructions. RESPONSE I think it is good thing to make writers reach for a thesaurus...great habit to develop. I don't say they shouldn't use verbs like “saw”. I say they should try to avoid using them as much as possible. Replacing "saw" in a sentence is not difficult, creates no awkwardness, and sharpens meaning.
FROM DORA I think I'm going to stop writing on sundays...the day when I get most of my mini-blocks! I've been reworking this para for quite a while. The problem is in the first sentence. It's long for a start. I tried shortening it, but it seemed less actiony ("Five Points was a funky shopping district..."). Any thoughts? Is it a run on sentence or is it ok? "Madame Jabal changed the door sign for New Age Emporium to ‘closed’ and led Meg through the eclectic store centered in the heart of Five Points, a small but funky shopping district of rainbow cafes, boutiques, and antiques shops.
FROM INSOMNIAC I have only begun writing this year and although I have a few shorter M/S out, I am not published. My writing is done for my own enjoyment, and because it is something that I always wanted to do. The short stories / novellas I have written and sent out are all horror / suspense, but the novel I am trying to write is fantasy and that’s where I am having a major problem.
I read this on another site and thought you all might enjoy it, because it just shattered me (especially #12). Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays: 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
LAURA Hello. I am thinking of pursuing a career in science writing, or at least maybe constructing a major in it at my school. Do you know anything about science writing as far as career outlook or advice on how to get more job experience as an undergraduate? RESPONSE Depends on what type of science writing you intend to pursue. If it's research, then you need a firm foundational knowledge of whatever field you enter, unless you're some kind of freakishly talented technical writer.
BOOKWERM Recently fractured a rib during a bout of acute bronchitis induced coughing. ER doctor said this is a, "not uncommon experience." I have wondered about phrases such as this for a long time. But only in my current state of mind, brought on by codeine cough medicine and pain killers, has it become a priority that needs immediate attention. Also, there is the fact that I am pretty much immobile, and making lemonades out of lemons, am tending to time consuming texting tasks, previously neglected.
FROM J. HORDE It's late and I'm tired and battling a cold, so if my attempts at making a coherent post come across like a garbled bunch of gobbledygook I do apologize. But I was wondering if you might have some input as far as solutions to the quandry below: My story's main character has recently sustained a serious loss, that of her husband in a workplace shooting. It is not long after this that she discovers, prior to his death, that they conceived a child.
FROM ANGIEWRITER I'm trying to come up with a slogan for a nightclub in Nashville. It makes me think of a slogan I read at a restaurant/bar in Iowa. "Next to and sometimes in the Mississippi." My favorite. (And true!) Its name is Ruby's. It serves good food, drinks and live entertainment to clientele ranging from state legislators to cowboy/girl types to college students. No misbehaving allowed. I'm thinking of using "
FROM ROSALYN Here is my sentence. I have “right now” twice and I wish to change it for a nicer and (if possible) one-word equivalent. I thought of changing the second “right now” for “nevertheless”, but I was afraid it could be another futile/irrelevant term. “Ceaselessly weeping, Ettie drags herself over the steps. Finally, she gives up and lies in there, thinking she must look like Scarlett in her mourning dress.
FROM BOOKWERM Hi--this is the sentence. If you can rewrite it more clearly please feel free. But my concern in this post is the hypenation used to describe the kitchen. Is it correct? Is the description vivid? Until Nick left home to marry Pearl, he, his parents, his unmarried sisters and Rosie and Bobby dined together each evening in the their large old fashioned, yellow-enamel-painted kitchen. Now Bobby and Nick had certainly become more than friends.
FROM LINDA I want to say that usually these endless holiday meals (reader knows it's holiday) consisted of yelling, screaming, arguing, insults, fighting and unending courses of rich food. But this time someone brought a badly behaved (reader knows dog is badly behaved) to the event. But I think the wording is awkward. I'd prefer to keep one sentence but suggestions appreciated. The addition of the dog’s presence to the usual arguments, insults, and yelling, combined with unending courses of rich food, put the finishing touch on what now resembled a Barbarian bacchanal.
FROM GEORGINA What is the deal with sank/sunk? Which do I use and when do I use it? RESPONSE It’s commonly taught that “sank” and “sunk” are interchangeable for past tense, and I suppose that’s true as far as meaning and common usage, but I hold to stricter rules in my writing. I use “sank” exclusively for past tense and “sunk” exclusively for passive voice or adjective. So: The boat sank.
FROM DONOVAN In a paragraph about a hapless French refugee during WWII, a family antes up enough cash to buy him a launderette. He surprises them by making quite a success of it. His hapless charm came in handy. Women customers loved doing their laundry with him around. His hapless charm came in handy. Women customers loved doing their laundry around him. Is one sentence better than another? I am trying to write in a voice as though the story is being told, not read.
FROM DELTA After a midweek, late afternoon lunch, Nick and Carla return to her apartment instead of work. She has magnificent view of WTC (pre 9/11) and ostensibly they will sit on her terrace and look at the sunset. I'm not happy with last sentence: The next thing I recall about that day is that after some timeless period, I became aware of lying next to Nick in my bed. The coarse hairs on his chest glinted silver in the room now lit only by moonlight.
FROM DON Many times people have warned against the use of “was” or “were” – “being verbs.” They are also known as “imperfect tense.” Usually, a writer will avoid them in the course of writing succinctly: “She was running to the house.” “She ran to the house.” Easy, shorter, and more direct. But sometimes not so easy. I notice other writers use them at will. What gives here? I could give examples from recently published novels and old classics where “was” could have been avoided with little effort but was not.
FROM GINNIE I applied to a content company and was provided a test to complete, but have not completely passed it. I have a feeling that I am not completely understanding the question, rather than not knowing what I'm doing. Can you guide me in the right direction? I've listed my attempts below. I received a note back that my second attempt wasn't right, but it's headed in the right direction.
FROM BOOKWERM (Days after becoming engaged, Carla meets Nick and is thunder struck. When she accepts his dinner invitation she justifies it with this sentence. Could it be written better or is this clear?) Well, let the chips fall where they may. Either this was going to be my one and final fling or I would learn whether or not I was truly meant to spend the rest of my life with Nick Cisighi instead of Earl Hanson.
FROM SKYCATCHER I sent a text message using the phrase "it's not" and later I got thinking about what I'd written and went into this dialogue with myself about these two phrases "it isn't" and "it's not." Which is it? I determined that, depending on the context, one would be preferred over the other as in: "It's not fair," she screamed, slamming the door. "It isn't fair," she screamed, slamming the door.
FROM ANNIEO I am confused about a recent critique I received by a publishing insider (as part of a contest I entered recently). This person stated that I used passive verbs. I understand passive voice occurs when the subject is acted upon, instead of having the subject perform the action. I also understand about linking verbs and complements. I just don't see it and would appreciate any help. Below is the paragraph in question, and the alleged passive verbs are in caps:
FROM BOOKWERM Well, finally ready to put book up on Kindle and Create Space. This is one sentence in my acknowledgement. I thank several people and would like to include this. Can it be written more clearly or less awkwardly? The many Starbucks baristas who, I have found in my frequent travels between Boston and Baltimore, are always ready with free coffee refills and are responsible for creating the welcome environment where a writer can work without suffering feelings of isolation.
FROM KIMMYPIE How do you know when to use further or farther? RESPONSE The most common rule is that “further” generally applies to degree (as in more of something) and “farther” generally applies to physical distance, like this: The issue requires further debate. Harbertown is farther from us than Ellington. Often, you'll find refinements to the rule that permit “further” in places that normally might require “farther”. Others say the two words are interchangeable in certain circumstances.
FROM HERKIMER12 A writing coach received my chapter that included these sentences: When I agreed to live with Nick, I neglected to point out that I expected this step would lead to marriage. I might start a sentence, “After we’re married this or when we’re married that.” She changed it to: When I agreed to live with Nick, I neglected to point out that I expected this step would lead to marriage.
FROM DANZAHOOP Rhett says, "Frankly, my dear...." I've read published "Okay, Kiddo..." So if Rhett had said, "Frankly, Dear...." would dear be capitalized? RESPONSE "Dear" is not a legitimate title, but a term of endearment, like "sweetheart" or "poopsie". It's never capitalized unless it's at the beginning of a sentence, even if a character addresses another character directly as "dear". Of course, if someone had the nickname "Dear", that's another matter.
FROM CLEO Is it "hanged" or "hung"? RESPONSE Tradition says people are hanged and everything else is hung, but either one is fine as far as meaning. I like "hanged" for people because it sounds and feels harsher than "hung". Say the two words. "Hanged" requires way more effort to say than "hung", and it sounds nastier, so I stick with tradition on this one. Actually, I use "hanged" anytime I want to portray cruelty or ugliness or anything out of the ordinary.