FROM HARVEY
Two cups of coffee this morning and my brain is still sludge. I am writing a horror (vampire) novel and I am disliking a particular description but can't put my finger on why.
Here, Meric is talking to a fellow vampire about humans and the possibility that they know about their existence:
"It's as if somewhere deep in their psyche, they know of us," observed Meric, slipping on his leather gloves. He didn't really feel the cold, but disliked the stiffness it brought that froze him like a cache of winter meat.
Any thoughts? Does this get the point across that vampires can't actually feel the cold (but it does affect them in some ways, chilling their cold, dead flesh?)
Thanks
COMMENT
Lose the weak verb "didn't". If the temperature is of no consequence, then don’t use a verb like “froze” or the simile “like a cache of winter meat”, which imply temperature makes a difference. Something like this:
He felt no chill, but disliked how the cold stiffened his joints.