FROM MR ross
Could you please tell me if there's anything wrong with this sentence? Any comment/s would be appreciatedWould you open this book is the descrition on the back read;
Pretentious San Francisco Salon owner Kirk Armand is knee deep in midlife crises. Broke, balding, and with his romantic life in the toilet, Kirk fears he is another aging has-been. Just as he hits rock bottom, a pompadoured vagrant introduces him to a way out - a mysterious substance that has the power to restore lost hair. Energized by dreams of wealth and success, Kirk starts down a path of unseen danger, unknowingly setting into motion cataclysmic prophecies of a nearly extinct Amazonian tribe. When Kirk’s quest leads him to a hidden place called the Village of the Good Lookin Man, he discovers the truth behind the substance. Are the ancient prophecies just voodoo mumbo jumbo, or does Kirk hold the fate of the planet in his well-manicured hands?.
RESPONSE
Maybe in my teens or early college years, I would've cracked it open and read a few pages, but not in my fifties. A little too silly for me. However, I think it could find a decent audience out there.
I have a little difficulty believing that you wrote the jacket copy given your three-sentence introduction of it. In your first sentence, you ask about a sentence, but the description contains several sentences. Your second sentence is missing a period and a space. In your third sentence, you misspell "if" and "description" and use a semi-colon in place of a colon. I suppose it's possible you wrote the jacket copy, but boy, what a contrast. To me, it's almost like you changed the jacket copy of a somewhat successful book a bit, so if I disliked it, you could say "Hah! You don't know anything! That description is from [successful book]!"
There's not tons I would change in the description. It's a little unclear which is pretentious - the salon or Kirk. Maybe re-word. If "San Francisco Salon" is not the name of the salon, than "salon" needs to be lower-case. I would insert a hyphen between "knee deep". I would replace "with his romantic life in the toilet" with a single adjective like maybe "alone" for the sake of parallelism. I would replace "has the power to" with "can". I would delete "unseen", "unknowingly", "a hidden place called", and the period after the last question mark.
That's my two cents.