FROM GRIMSFEL
Azrael stood over the corpse of Grant Thompson. The car that had served as his weapon had stopped initially, but panic-stricken by the severity of what they had done sped off he assumed. Azrael was filled with a mixture of elation and remorse. The deed was done and there was no going back now. He waited while Grant’s nervous system shut his body down completely, until there was no life left inside at all. Then the part of Grant that Azrael needed started to show. Grant’s soul hadn’t yet realised it was dead. The translucent form of Grant started to crawl away from its cadaver and towards the pavement. Azrael followed and stood over him, his shadow engulfed the soul in darkness and the man rolled over. Grant’s face was frozen, his mouth open, ready to catch flies. His brown eyes were wide and he scrabbled at the tarmac trying to getaway. For Azrael the hard part was over, this was the easy part. He opened his wings, their sheer size blocking out the moons incandescence. He bent down towards the whimpering soul of Grant Thompson, pulled his soul to his chest and encapsulated him in the blackness of his wings. With his soul contained in his clutches he took to the air.
CRITIQUE
You use passive voice and past perfect tense unnecessarily. Empty verbs weaken your writing. Your word choice is not the greatest sometimes. Typically, a cadaver is a body used for dissection, the moon isn’t incandescent, and I think you better find “encapsulated” in the dictionary. Don’t know what “catch flies” means – I assume it is a term unique to your book. Other than that, I didn’t think it too bad. Read it in active voice with better verbs and a little tightening:
Azrael stood over Grant Thompson. The car that served as his weapon stopped initially, but then sped off. A mixture of elation and remorse shivered Azrael. He waited while life ebbed from Grant. Then Grant’s soul emerged, ignorant of his own death, and started to crawl away from his corpse towards the pavement. Azrael followed, overshadowing him, and the man rolled over. Grant’s face froze with his mouth open, ready to catch flies. His eyes widened in terror, and he scrabbled at the tarmac, trying to flee. Azrael opened his wings, their looming blackness blocking out the bright moon. He bent down towards the whimpering soul, pulled him to his chest, and enfolded him in the darkness of his wings. Clutching the soul, he took to the air.