FROM MICHELLE
My character is traveling I-10 from Pensacola to Jacksonville. He's pulling off for gas. I'm having all sorts of problems with this excerpt and I need some help!
The shrubbery flashed orange as Will pulled the car off the Quincy exit, illuminating mile marker 181. At the top of the exit ramp, a lonely gas station and dilapidated 1930s bungalow struggled to remain erect. If it wasn’t for the EZ-Fuel sign flickering overhead, he might have mistaken it for the Bates' motel.
He glanced at the gas gauge pointing to red, and happened to notice the trip displayed 181. He didn’t remember setting the trip. I must have, he thought, before getting out and filling up. He finished pumping and went inside to purchase a six-cream coffee and a large bottle of Aquafina for Yvette. It smelled like a gas-station bathroom inside; for a second, Will thought he had the wrong door.
First question: should it be "might have mistaken it for the Bates' motel" or "could have mistaken it?"
Second: The beginning of the second paragraph is irking me but I'm not having any success in rewording it…any ideas?
Thanks!
RESPONSE
"The shrubbery flashed orange"? You should fix that, if the previous context doesn't somehow explain it. Or you could leave it as is and let the Knights Who Say Nee fondle it. Apologies if you're not a Monty Python fan.
"If it wasn't" should be "If it weren't", and “Bates” needs no apostrophe. Myself, I think you could re-word that sentence without the weak verbs. To my mind, I don't think a "1930's bungalow" would resemble any kind of motel, particularly the Bates, which was a pretty daunting and creepy edifice, if I remember correctly. I think of a very small, probably single room, cottage-type building when I read "bungalow". But maybe I'm not up on my architectural terms.
I think the non-parallel structure of the beginning of the second paragraph is what bothers you.
Parallel:
He glanced at the gas gauge pointing to red and noticed the trip displaying “181”.
I am a fan of fewer words though:
He glanced at the gas gauge pointing to red and the trip displaying “181”.
But I'm not keen on "ing" verbs when they're not necessary. I like simple past or present tense:
He glanced at the gas gauge; the needle hugged red and the trip displayed “181”.
That's my two cents to your two questions. By the way, you should probably use "trip counter" instead of just "trip". I often say just "trip" in conversation, but it sure struck me wrong in print for some reason. Another thing popped into my mind: typically, people fill up then zero the trip counter. Isn't 181 miles pretty darn awful gas mileage, unless he has a 5-gallon gas tank? Also, I think you should have him look at the gas gauge way before he pulls into the gas station, and that's why he HAS to pull into THIS creepy gas station. Either that, or have him glance only at the trip counter and not the gas gauge after he pulls in.