Running to God

FROM GARRISON

This is the very beginning of a piece I've been working on. I feel like I'm doing too much telling, but I'm not sure if I should change it, or how to change it without losing the pace...or do you think it is too fast? I like beginnings to be fast and interesting, and then sort of ease into the story. Right after this part it slows down and there is a lot more "showing." Grammar, comma use in particular, is not a strong point for me, so help there would be appreciated. Any comments and help would be most welcome, thanks. (I did not mean for this little blurb to go on forever).

The night Marian La Grange was born her father did not wait the customary few days to be sure she would live. He did not even wait till morning. He set off at once, the front door banging shut behind him. He was determined to see the Organ Keeper before ill fate had a chance to snatch up his daughter.

Mr. Le Grange’s breath left his mouth in a cloudy, white stream as he ran, but he did not notice the cold. His mind was set on his perfect, pink daughter and his desire for her to always be that way. Never again would he neglect God, not if it meant he could keep this child. He sprinted through the village, seeing nothing but a vague blur of candle lit windows and smoking chimneys. Mr. Le Grange’s feet floundered when the cobblestone ended and the dirt began, but he did not fall. When the ground began to slope upwards he gasped in another breath and willed himself to move faster.

What would have been a long trek in daylight, up the mountain and down the ridge to the crumbling buildings of the church, was even longer in the darkness. Mr. Le Grange’s run soon slowed and became a progression of stumbles and curses – curses which he quickly repented for in case God was listening – as he attempted to follow, or climb rather, a path which had been neglected for years. It was steep and overgrown, so steep at times that Mr. Le Grange had to crawl. He cut his hands on rocks and briars. His pants tore at the knee. When he reached the ridge he was breathing hard and bleeding.

COMMENT

Usually, writing gains poignancy when you pare down extraneous details. To determine what's extraneous, know your story and the emotions and purpose driving your characters. Also, the details you DO include should come at the right time, not too early. Read it with over 35% of your original wording removed:

At his daughter’s birth, Mr. Le Grange did not wait the customary time to be sure she would live. Instead, he ran immediately to see the Organ Keeper before ill fate could snatch his daughter.

He did not notice the cold of the frigid night as he ran. His perfect, pink daughter and her welfare animated his every thought and action. Never again would he neglect God if it meant he could keep this child. He sprinted through the village, past candle lit windows and smoking chimneys, and stutter-stepped awkwardly when the cobblestone ended and the dirt began. At the base of the mountain, he struggled for breath and willed himself to move faster.

Darkness made the arduous journey even more difficult. His run slowed to a series of stumbles and curses – which he quickly repented in case God was listening – as he climbed, and sometimes crawled, up a steep and overgrown path. Rocks and briars tore at his clothes and flesh. He reached the ridge ragged, gasping, and bleeding, and looked down at the crumbling church buildings.