FROM GUITARHIRO97
xoMechanica (Intro)
At 3500 feet and going 575 miles per hour the sleek Boeing VC-25, also known as Air Force One, soared through the sky like some strange exotic bird. Their destination: Tokyo. Aboard the plane was the president, his attendees, other officials of the political variant, and of course, the secret service.
Maria Tanaka, age 25, Air Force Engineer, was the only one who didn’t quite belong. Her Japanese heritage had left her shorter than the average but she made up for it with personality and athleticism. That wasn't the reason she stood out. She was no politician, nor was she Secret Service, just a normal Mechanical engineer. A mechanical engineer who designed the first functional Military Exosuit.
The suit in question was staying belowdecks in the Boeing's massive cargo hold. The purpose of this presidential excursion was to negotiate some policies and also see about creating an exchange program designed to improve and manufacture more Exosuits. Maria knew more about the inner workings of the suit than anyone else and as a result was given orders earlier that day to accompany the suit to Japan.
Maria had boarded the plane after a very thorough security check and after making sure her creation was securely stowed. It was nowhere near finished. The suit still lacked an AI system and was incredibly inefficient. Currently it could only run three hours before needing to charge for six hours. In the weeks before the trip she had been looking into ways of improving the suit with a team of like-minded engineers. The exchange program would allow for the suit to be improved faster.
Another reason that Maria had been ordered to come along was that she was the only person to test the suit in a combat-like operation. That had been strictly off the books but she proved herself a very capable Exosuit pilot and engineer.
Maria looked about the cabin. It was nicely decorated, definitely a few steps above that of the standard civilian class plan. It had been a long flight and they had stopped in London to refuel. That had been hours ago and they were nearing their destination. Breakfast was being served.
Maria got up to use the washroom. Passing by Secret Service men and their proteges she noticed the sun was just beginning to rise over the curve of the horizon. The land below was still wreathed in shadow. The last time she had seen a sunrise like that had been far too long ago. She hadn't gotten out of the R&D lab very much. In fact she had practically moved into one of the storage closets and subsisted on delivery pizza and whatever any of her co-workers brought in. When she went to her apartment to pick up a nicer set of clothes she realized she had forgotten which floor it was on and had to ask the manager.
Her train of thought derailed when she was pushed roughly to the side by a well dressed man. He looked like some sort of Aide. When Maria first saw him he had been carrying a briefcase and had looked very nervous, constantly fiddling with the handle. The man rushed back to the general seating looking rather pale. Perhaps he was air sick.
As Maria walked towards the washrooms she noticed a door to a compartment had been left open. What intrigued her was that the lock system seemed to have been cut away. Cautiously she went in and noticed a panel of the fuselage had been cut away exposing the wires. The wires had been severed. Nearby was the briefcase she had seen the Aide carrying. It was propped open and it didn’t take a genius to figure out the contents. The countdown read 1:30.
CRITIQUE
I think you include a lot of unnecessary detail, the information about Maria is disorganized, and you can combine some of those paragraphs. You use the wrong word occasionally. Read it cut by 40% with those problems and others addressed:
At 35,000 feet and 575 miles per hour, Air Force One soared through the sky toward Tokyo. Aboard the plane were the president and his typical entourage.
Maria Tanaka, age 25, Air Force Engineer, was also there on special assignment. She designed the first functional military Exosuit, which she herself stowed in the cargo hold. The suit was nowhere near finished. It still lacked an AI system and was incredibly inefficient. Currently, it ran only three hours before needing to charge for six hours. One of the purposes of this presidential excursion was to discuss the creation of an exchange program to improve and manufacture more Exosuits. Maria knew more about the suit than anyone else, and she was the only person to pilot the suit in a combat-like operation.
The cabin was nicely appointed, definitely a few steps above the standard civilian flight. They stopped in London to refuel hours ago. and neared their destination as breakfast was being served.
Maria got up to use the washroom. Passing by Secret Service men, she noticed the sun just beginning to rise over the curve of the horizon, the land below still shrouded in shadow. It was far too long since she’d seen a sunrise like that. She didn’t venture from the lab often. In fact, she practically lived in one of the storage closets and subsisted on delivery pizza and whatever her co-workers brought. When she stopped at her place to pick up a nicer set of clothes for the trip, she forgot which floor her apartment was on and had to ask the manager.
Her train of thought derailed when a well-dressed man pushed her roughly aside. He seemed like an aide. When Maria first saw him, he carried a briefcase and appeared very nervous, constantly fiddling with the handle. The man no longer carried a briefcase and rushed back to general seating looking rather pale. Perhaps he was air sick.
As Maria headed to the washrooms, she noticed an open compartment door. Upon closer inspection, she saw the lock system was cut away. Cautiously, she entered and noticed a panel of the fuselage cut away, exposing severed wires. Nearby was the aide’s briefcase, propped open. It didn’t take a genius to figure out the contents. The countdown read 1:30.