FROM JONAS

I have worked and worked on this, and I still am working on it. Everytime I open it, I find something I don't like and change it. Sometimes I make it better, other times I make it worse.

I'm on a perpetual ferris wheel of rewrites. Everytime I descend, I think it is going to stop, and I can get off. But it doesn't stop, and I find myself ascending back to the top on the other side.

This is what I have come up with so far. Is it perfect? No, but I think I am starting to zero in on it...I really tried to remove all mistakes. I checked and rechecked my resources. I hope I found them all, but if I missed something, I would like to apologize. I am trying to develop an eye for it.

Anyway, here it is. I tried to develop a sense of urgency, then give a little background, returning back to the urgency in less than 250 words.

Deep breaths of salty air burned Krelis’ lungs as he sprinted toward the gloomy conservatory. The young wizard’s forehead creased as he worried about arriving late to the assembly that Master Antigonus scheduled for the evening.

Moments earlier, before he even remembered the meeting, Krelis had been lost in the serenity of the beach. He stopped to watch the gliding seagulls. Drifting effortlessly against the orange backdrop of the descending sun, they tucked their wings and dove into the frothy whitecaps. An ocean breeze rolled off the choppy waters, lifting dark hair away from his face as sand squished between his toes.

He loved life on the small island located in the Gulf of Redrock. Free from the troubles that plagued the rest of Known World, Krelis and his peers practiced their art uninterrupted.

After his father died the day after his tenth birthday, Krelis believed happiness would forever elude him. Then, Antigonus found him, drawn by his innate, magical ability. The master wizard brought him to this island, and Krelis found the lost happiness with his newfound family.

With feet kicking up puffs of sand, and legs propelling him up the steep sandy hill, Krelis reached the portico of the conservatory.

Great! Not only am I late, but now I’ll have to listen to Celeste. (This should be in italics, but I do not know how to do it.)

He burst through the large wooden doors into his home of the last seven years. Unlike the foreboding exterior, the inside flooded him with warmth. Bright colors met his eyes. (rest of the story continues)

CRITIQUE

Hmmm...Word counted 260 for your excerpt. This piece could stand some "Hammer & Tongs". Anyway, I think you quash any sense of urgency by inserting all that thought as he runs. Stick that back story up front, almost as a reverie while he relaxes on the beach, then let it be interrupted by the realization that he's late. That'll hike the urgency. Something like this (211 words):

Krelis gazed dreamily at seagulls as they drifted against the orange backdrop of the descending sun, then tucked their wings and dove into the frothy whitecaps. An ocean breeze rolled off the choppy waters, blowing his dark hair away from his face as sand squished between his toes.

He loved life on the small island in the Gulf of Redrock. Free from the troubles that plagued the rest of Known World, Krelis and his peers practiced their art uninterrupted.

After his father died the day after his tenth birthday, Krelis believed happiness would forever elude him. But Antigonus found him, drawn by his innate magical ability, and brought him to this island. Krelis found happiness again with his new family and...

Antigonus…the assembly! He was late!

Salt air burned Krelis’s lungs as he sprinted toward the gloomy conservatory. His forehead creased with worry about his late arrival. He kicked up puffs of sand as he ran up the steep hill and entered the portico of the conservatory.

Great! he thought. Not only am I late, but now I’ll have to listen to Celeste!

Breathless, he burst through the large wooden doors into his home of the last seven years. The foreboding exterior yielded to an interior flooded with warmth and bright colors.