FROM DONOVAN
In a paragraph about a hapless French refugee during WWII, a family antes up enough cash to buy him a launderette. He surprises them by making quite a success of it.
His hapless charm came in handy. Women customers loved doing their laundry with him around.
His hapless charm came in handy. Women customers loved doing their laundry around him.
Is one sentence better than another? I am trying to write in a voice as though the story is being told, not read.
Thanks.
RESPONSE
I think your original sentence begs the question "Why?" Why did it come in handy? Why did they love it? If you want to tell something, then tell something that fleshes out the character and his relationships. Something like this:
His hapless charm hooked female customers; he elicited maternal feelings without trying.