FROM DORA
I think I'm going to stop writing on sundays...the day when I get most of my mini-blocks!
I've been reworking this para for quite a while. The problem is in the first sentence. It's long for a start. I tried shortening it, but it seemed less actiony ("Five Points was a funky shopping district...").
Any thoughts? Is it a run on sentence or is it ok?
"Madame Jabal changed the door sign for New Age Emporium to ‘closed’ and led Meg through the eclectic store centered in the heart of Five Points, a small but funky shopping district of rainbow cafes, boutiques, and antiques shops. The shelves overflowed with neatly stacked meditation CDs, smoking bottles, essential oils and everything else for the New Age child. Meg had made many purchases from the store--Elcampane tea for bronchitis, an amulet to ward off bad luck, packets of Sandalwood incense for relaxation--but she had never before felt compelled to enter the back room for a private reading.”
RESPONSE
I like this paragraph with just a few changes.
I like "flipped" or some other more specific verb besides "changed" in the first sentence. The main thing I noticed was a "list" mannerism. The first list tells what kind of shops are in the district, the second tells what kind of items this particular shop sells, the third tells what items Meg purchased in the past from this shop. That's a lot of lists for such a short sample, even though I like what you wrote. What I suggest is deletion of the second sentence entirely to allow the third list to serve a dual function; it tells both the kind of things the store sells and the kind of person Meg is. Much more efficient and tight.
And how many times do I have to say it...simple past or present tense. So the paragraph would look something like this:
"Madame Jabal flipped the door sign for New Age Emporium to ‘closed’ and led Meg through the eclectic store centered in the heart of Five Points, a small but funky shopping district of rainbow cafes, boutiques, and antiques shops. Meg purchased many items from the store - Elcampane tea for bronchitis, an amulet to ward off bad luck, packets of Sandalwood incense for relaxation - but she never before felt compelled to enter the back room for a private reading."