FROM ROSALYN

Here is my sentence. I have “right now” twice and I wish to change it for a nicer and (if possible) one-word equivalent. I thought of changing the second “right now” for “nevertheless”, but I was afraid it could be another futile/irrelevant term.

“Ceaselessly weeping, Ettie drags herself over the steps. Finally, she gives up and lies in there, thinking she must look like Scarlett in her mourning dress. But there’s no better day in Ettie´s tomorrow. Right now, she faces no tomorrow, just a bleak present and an oppressive past that one way or another she must forfeit. Only then she’ll be at peace. Only then she will be happy. Right now, she can’t relinquish her anger and hate because they have become part of herself. Surrendering them may well obliterate her essence.”

A couple more questions.
1. "Finally" (and "then") is another recurring word. Is it necessary in this context or should I erase it?

2. I was told in school that sentences should never begin with “and” or “but”, yet I have seen examples in articles and novels. When is it permissible to start a sentence with “but”? Is that the case in my sentence’

3. I tend to use a lot of historical, literary and other type of allusions. Should I explain them all the time? For example, should I say “Ettie looked like Scarlett from Gone with the Wind”? I find it tedious and patronizing to explain allusions all the time, but I don’t want to confuse the reader.

RESPONSE

Really? She’s thinking that she looks like Scarlett from Gone with the Wind? I don’t know about anyone else, but when I read that, it tells me that all this emotional uproar is an act, that she just worked herself into a frenzy because she enjoys playing the part of a martyr. If you were trying to portray kind of a comical, melodramatic woman with a keen sense of persecution where none really exists, I think it’s not too bad. But if you meant this to be a serious portrayal of real emotion, then I think it’s pretty awful. I’d send Scarlett offstage and tone that rhetoric way, way down. Lose the obliteration, lol. To answer your questions:

  1. I think the more words you can erase and still deliver the meaning you intend, usually the better.
  2. I’ve heard that rule before, and I think it’s a load of bo-hunk, in the same league as “Never end a sentence with a preposition.” I think your "but" sentence is fine, except for the whole Scarlett thing as I said before.
  3. I think you should cut your allusions way down. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but people don’t read and schools don’t teach much history and literature anymore. Don’t you ever see those clips of clueless people being asked simple questions about history? It’s likely any allusion would hinder meaning than enhance it. You might have better luck with pop culture or TV and movie allusions, but history and literature? Uh-uh. I think the fact that you asked the question reveals that you at least suspect most people won’t understand. I think most people would catch on to Scarlett though.