FROM HEROIC
I'm currently working on an epic poem in dactylic hexameter. Ambitious work, I know. It's a story I've been kicking around for a long while, and have written previously in both prose and as a screenplay. The choice to write it as an epic poem is more an exercise in practicing a different writing form than a serious attempt at getting published. It's also still extremely rough, but I was hoping on some feedback on style.
“Now is the time to speak! Tell all you know of the northern-born Traitor.
His blood spilled to earth! His life flushed away! Bloody work. Your work.
His body lost to the Sea before finding his final home, disgraced,
Among the lost souls, dishonored life acknowledged by a dishonored
Death in the City of traitorous corpses. That is where he belongs.
He escaped that which he deserved, sinking to watery depths, far from
Shore. Why? Who set the fates into motion and spared him his true death?
Some have said he was your friend before war began. Others say, your brother.
You, who made him lifeless. Maybe too, you’re who took our justice from us?
Speak! No one forgives the friend of a traitor. He is as hated a
Man as the Betrayer himself. No more time to waste. Out with it, Marcus.”
“You! Would you dare doubt me? My actions? I have been traitor to Heart, Blood,
Family, brother, friends, all that I hold dear. Never to this land.
Jacob—the one you call traitor—He too was more loyal than any
Man who called death upon him. Never insult his name again. Hear me,
I won’t forgive any talk of betrayal. He who is hated for
Crimes against Homeland. He who was killed by my hand. There is no honor
High enough. No words, none can do justice to his faithful service.
You are not worthy to stand in his shadow. You want to know of him?
Fine! But I will be heard. You have spewed lies, and I listened to every word.
No more! I will speak. You will hear the truth. He was not traitor to
Homeland, no. Homeland was traitor to him. You will understand only
If I tell everything. Terrible, fated beginning to cruel end…
CRITIQUE
Dactylic hexameter, ey? One of us can't count, and I'll give you hint: it ain't me. When writing dactylic hexameter, it's pretty important to know what that means. Dactylic Hexameter means a foot of three syllables, the first one stressed, and the next two unstressed, six feet per line for a total of 18 syllables unless you go the spondee or trochee route for 17. I'm no mathematician, but you have anywhere from 16 to 19 syllables in each line - no rhyme or reason, s'cuse the pun, lol. Now let's take a line from your poem:
His BOdy LOST to the SEA before FINDing his FINal HOME, disGRACED,
That's some kind of rhythm there. You must be a white guy from Massachusettes, lol. How about this:
HE is a HUMbug, a WOULD-be, a NUT…for a POet, a STINKing coal:
ENergy GONE, with a RHYthm dark, LANGuage in TRACtion, and WORDS, a toll.
What you wrote was not dactylic hexameter. As a matter of fact, it wasn't much of anything...just bad prose set in lines to look like a poem.