FROM LILA
I'm struggling a bit with these few paragraphs...I'm wondering if they come off as too wordy, or clunky. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.
The thought of being completely helpless and vulnerable would usually leave her boiling with anger, but now Adrianne merely sat blank and empty, clutching her mother’s hand in her own. And still the minutes crawled by.
The shallow breathing was becoming even more strained. Adrianne looked once more at the pained face below her. There wasn’t much time left, she knew. Weren’t happy memories of sun-drenched days spent with her mother supposed to be flashing across Adrianne’s mind? Wasn’t a cheerful and uplifting collage of the two of them enjoying each other’s company supposed to be making Adrianne’s eyes fill with nostalgic tears? Wasn’t she supposed to be stroking her mother’s hair and whispering clichéd, optimistic words full of false hope and promise? That was the way these things were supposed to work.
But the hair Adrianne should be petting was not soft and reassuring, but spread out in dirty clumps and tangled bird nests on the pillowcase. And the memories that should be filling her head were absent, leaving gaping, cancerous holes where they ought to be.
CRITIQUE
You have a couplet mannerism - you pair two very similar words to refine meaning, but it ends up diluting it instead - not an uncommon problem. Consider these pairs:
helpless/vulnerable
blank/empty
cheerful/uplifting
hope/promise
Choose one word, the one that says what you mean.
Another (and better, IMHO) way to reduce adjectives is to make nouns of them. Nouns have a more weighty, substantial feel to them than adjectives. Vulnerable - vulnerability; empty - emptiness.
A couple problems with correct words:
Though anger is often a by-product of helplessness, it is not the emotion that drives it. Fear is. And certainly, a simple thought of helplessness will not produce a “boiling with anger” reaction, unless the person is mentally ill.
"Collage” is not quite the right word to describe memories. When I remember something, I play it back in my mind. It reminds me of something else, so I play that back. “Episode” or “vignette” is more accurate.
"Strained” usually implies some kind of strenuous or desperate or focused effort. Not the picture portrayed.
And of course, I’ll get on my old hobby-horse about weak verbs. As much as possible, eliminate “to be” and “to have” and “ing” verbs. They muddy meaning. Here’s my re-write of your post, about a 35% word reduction:
Just the thought of vulnerability usually left her uncomfortable, but now emptiness filled Adrianne as she clutched her mother’s hand. The minutes crawled.
The shallow breaths became even more labored as Adrianne stared at her mother’s pained face. Time was short, she knew. Where were the happy memories of sun-drenched days spent with her mother, the cheerful vignettes of shared joy that milked tears from her eyes? Shouldn’t she stroke her mother’s hair and whisper optimistic words of false hope? Shouldn’t things work that way?
But her mother’s hair was not soft and lovely; it spread out in dirty, tangled clumps on the pillowcase, and gaping, cancerous holes swallowed the pleasant memories she yearned for.