FROM MR MITCHELL

Dangerous Ground (Chapter 21) (swearing)

After being alone for most of the afternoon and the only visits being from nurses or doctors, I have turned to the booklets in front of me to attempt to keep myself sane. While I am reading them two distinctly familiar voices can be heard from the doorway of the room. Sure enough, David and John are accompanied by an unnecessarily huge ‘Get Well Soon’ card.

David gives the card to me and I open it, look inside, and smile. It's the I only thing I can think to do. Smiling is the only way I can think to be positive.

"Thank you," I say as I keep smiling. "This means a lot.”

John and David sit by my bed, one on each side. The recovery process has started and however long it takes and if I need to talk to someone about it, then I will. This is only when it's a person I know and that they know me.

My eyes are feeling heavy. I'm beginning to feel very sleepy, and I am struggling to keep my focus.

A sporadic flow of bodies continue to rush left and right, backwards and forwards outside my room. The clattering of stethoscopes against clipboards is beginning to set my brain on fire.

"Everyone’s thinking of you and what happened back there, in Iraq," John says.

"I appreciate it. Tell them that, too."

"So, how long is it until you can walk again?" David asks, attempting to break the ice.

I let out a sigh, this is really tough. But I can't not tell them. I hold these guys as dear to me as my own family.

"I won't be able to walk for a whole year at the very least. And it could be more than that."

I keep my eyes on John and David whilst the news sinks in. Both there are eyes watching me, a faint sob then a shudder of hopeless grief. I can sense they both feel helpless, I guess the only thing they can do for me right now is be here. I can't do this on my own, if I had to deal with this shit alone I know I would go mad. The war and the memories will come back. They always do. They will never go away, not even with a click of the finger.

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Porter," John utters.

I can't hear what David and John are saying to me, all I can think about is Smith and that man, a knife comes out and a scream as he fall to his death. This repeats, over and over again.

"Look, it's going to be hard, I know. All I need is for you both to be strong, no matter what pain I fucking feel right now. If you're both strong, then I become strong."

They nod and I give them a look as to say that I'll be fine on my own, for now.

The door shuts. When a door shuts; you fear it will stay shut for a long time.

When one opens, a new path with new possibilities will be there, and I'm going to take it.

If I could, I would grab a bottle and drink away my remaining years but I need to be strong. I don't want to be like my father, a man who didn't know his limits. This kind of man ends up dead because of that stupid drink. I can't die like that, I refuse to.

A wave of tiredness hits me and forces me to close my eyes. Then the memories start to come again, but this time it's worse than before.

****
Bodies, many of them are friends, some of them are close and a few are mere acquaintances. But all still my brothers. A river of blood flows uninterrupted through the streets and the source of liquid comes from wounds that pour. I see Smith's face, which is bloodied by the toning with the knife.

He has lost a lot of blood and he needs my help. But I can't help him. I can't as I am tied in a chair, helpless.

I snap out of the memory.

****
Back in the room, I am sitting up, awake, awoken by the nightmare. The doctor is with the nurse, talking, maybe about me and whom I need to talk to.

"You need to hear this, Mr Porter," the doctor says.

RESPONSE

I think your verbs really cripple this piece. Most of them are empty or weak or made weak through repetition, and I don't believe there's a single good, strong, descriptive verb. Really bland, dead writing for something I imagine would be pretty emotional. Eliminating the "ing" verbs and replacing them with simple present tense would help a little, but really, you just need better verbs.

Empty/weak verbs:
Can/Can’t – 13
Keep – 4
Look – 4
Take - 2
See – 1
Want - 1
Go – 4
Do - 5
Have/has/had – 4
Feel – 4
Give - 2
Be, being, am, is, are – 27
“ing” verbs (not including “being”) – 18

OK verbs, but repeated:
Hear - 4
Attempt – 2
Need – 6
Think – 4
Shut - 2
Start – 2

See "About Hammer & Tongs" for more info.