FROM ZAIDA
I need help with a synopsis:
In a matter of life and death at your choice between your best friend’s life along with your own or the life of your true love’s,in the end who would your decision kill?
After a swift escape from their prison cells six people are forced together in a journey of love, betrayal, and distrust.
Ones with unexplained abilities live across the earth mentally out-casted by humankind, they are named the Gifted. Humans although disliking them of their differences have become selfish in wanting to use their abilities as defense in a war stricken time. The story follows a plot and strategy decided -by one of the highest ranking Gifted Control Agents Danielle- years in advance in the middle of its unfolding.
Samantha is gifted with telekineses along with the ability to read people’s sincere emotions. As a child she was raised alongside GCAs befriending the only gifted she'd known and coming to love her as a sister. As soon as she became of age, with threats on her friend’s life as well as her own, she is told to betray her own kind thrown into cells alongside them leading to a planned escape.
She is to draw close to them gaining their trust, while under the listening ears of the Control Agents hoping to discover each of their weaknesses labeled as a gifts ‘fault’.
Sam, comes to be especially close with a man named Zade who’s ability is to create fire and heal himself and as their relationship grows along with the new friendships around them it becomes harder and harder to carry through with what she knows she must do.
One fate deciding night Zade confides in Sam a story of his past and of his brother’s death at his own hands. Revealing that his brother and him were similar in having the same gifts and the same faults -not being able to heal oneself after being hurt by the one they love as long as they are with them-. Zade's abilities were the cause of a fire leading to his brother death and Samantha is the only one he feels he can trust to tell.
Meeting another gifted along the way named Liz and staying in her home and discovering her very rare ability puts a damper on the tightly knit trust amongst them as the GCAs jump at the opportunity and capture the gifted as well as her younger brother to test on not being able to delay with such an uncommon ability that they could only dream of having in their grasps. They are again homeless and on their own and suspicion is beginning to rise.
Only after discovering the brother is only human they return him home.
The next morning on the brothers return Samantha and Zade leave the house in hope of surprising the others with breakfast. Alone with the beautiful sunrise as a background Zade sees this time as a perfect opportunity to tell Samantha how deeply he’s fallen in love with her but as the one betraying them all she knows what his confession will lead to and with the feelings being mutual she cannot bring herself to hear him out and rushes off before he gets a chance only to be stopped by Danielle rolling her eyes and barking commandments pointing out the obviousness of his feelings for her and wanting deeply to use it against him.
She demands Samantha to impair him throwing a knife unknown to him in her direction as he runs up in protection of her. She thinks of her little sister and of the little harm it will do him and as he turns from her she slams the knife through him revealing her betrayal to the readers and him.
Knowing his body will physically respond only to her she does as told and gets him safely back to the facility. Having made her decision she returns to her familiar room her comfortable bed feeling shame and guilt gnawing at her every moment while outside her room she hears her friend murmuring with Danielle and she walks out to see them just as they leave to a nearby bedroom.
She comes to the doorway just in time to hear her dear friend calling Danielle and a male GCA mom and dad and in shock and horror she hurries away to think of the past and the events leading up until this time feeling foolish and naive to other past times she should’ve known.
Blinded by a gifted fault of her own she could never see her friends true feelings towards her but believed they were as close as siblings and in anger and regret she goes to undo the damage done by assisting Zade and the others in yet another escape.
As soon as Danielle discovers them she asks in a threatening manner ‘is his life really worth your own?’ letting Sam know that she hadn’t been lying when threatened if she were to ever leave them she would die a slow and painful death by a device implanted in her at her younger age.
Back in town with the others Samantha splits off with Zade to spend her final time. Her death is a horrible tragedy necessary for Zade’s wounds to fully heal making her feel accomplished and content while he rocks her until she passes in his arms his cries drawing the attention of the others who eventually separate the two and bring him home.
The story then continues on a week later to them training together to be sure their prepared if Danielle were to ever return to them. After the session they return back to Liz’s place they all have come to call home. Still an emotional mess Zade finds comfort with being around the others who have felt the pangs of love and loss of their own and in the end he confirms with the motherly Liz he feels although he will always hurt one day he’ll manage to be alright.
CRITIQUE
Well, I read this, and it makes me wonder - is English your first language? I ask because you seem to make mistakes that a non-native speaker would make. I found this mostly incomprehensible.
I think you should start with a story outline, because I literally have no idea what your story's about. Maybe a step by step outline might help you organize your thoughts and write it better.
As far as the actual writing, you exhibit two glaring problems. First, you write just about the worst run-on sentences I've ever seen. Second, you have zero punctuation. Those are your main problems as I see it. As a case in point, take your last sentence:
Still an emotional mess Zade finds comfort with being around the others who have felt the pangs of love and loss of their own and in the end he confirms with the motherly Liz he feels although he will always hurt one day he’ll manage to be alright.
Now compare that 48-word, unpunctuated, 13-jointed leviathan to this:
Distraught, Zade finds comfort in others pained by love and loss. He confides in Liz that healing will come, but not without scars.
Two sentences, 23 words.
When you re-write, limit your sentences to no more than 20 words. Buy yourself a grammar book, or find someone who knows about punctuation. I suspect a little care in those two areas along with an outline will improve things immensely.
Hate to say it, but I think you need remedial writing classes. You need some schooling. You need to learn about grammar and punctuation and sequential thought. Takes time and effort, but I don't see how you can get around it if you want to write.