FROM JON
Hey John,
I tried to write a tight scene, but maybe it's still loosey -- what do you think? Can I do better?
(I really enjoy reading your critiques)
Scene is a gathering at the boarding house dinner table between two kids, protagonist, two boarders and the owner Betsy. I want to convey Betsy as someone who doesn't like people to talk without her being present. Then I'll have the kids and protagonist leave the dinner table feeling as though Betsy has something to hide.
Thanks again.
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Megan spooned mash potatoes onto her plate while keeping a close watch on Betsy. She didn’t know why, but Betsy gave her an uneasy feeling. The older lady nearly ran from the kitchen and swept up the broken glass without saying a word. She came and went in such a hurry that Megan imagined a blur racing around the dining room. She rushed back through the doorway and sat down in a huff. Megan was sure that Betsy didn’t want anyone to know what was said without her knowing (hearing?) every word.
RESPONSE
Well, the first thing I noticed was the confusion of that last sentence. I'm sure Betsy doesn't care who knows what was said; she just doesn't what anyone to know SHE knows. Then there's the fuzzy antecedent. I don't know whether "her" refers to Megan or Betsy, but I suspect it's Betsy. So all that needs fixed.
As for Betsy, usually a spying busybody doesn't whip in and out of a room like that; they find reasons to stay. To me, she'd take her time cleaning the glass. She'd mosey in with a dustpan and broom and set them by the mess, then she'd pluck the larger pieces by hand and put them in the dustpan, then she'd walk slowly to the wastebasket and dump the dustpan, then she'd walk slowly back to clean up the smaller particles, taking great pains to clean every speck. Through that action, and the guests discomfort, you portray her spying. Through Megan's note of her face and body movements, you protray her as something more malevolent than just a nosey busybody. Perhaps Betsy's eyes shift a lot, perhaps a faint but unmistakable sneer twists her lips a bit when the conversation slides into a particular subject. Always, it should be some specific ACTION that suggests misgivings to Megan.
Of course, if Betsy has means to listen to conversations in the kitchen without anyone's knowledge, then she'd be in hurry to leave so the guests would feel comfortable to start talking again quickly.
At any rate, Jon, I think you've probably noticed that women are about 100 times more intuitive than men. They assign several different intentions to words or actions that most men take at face value. While most men are logically analytical, most women are emotionally analytical. They can, often accurately, decipher some little word or action into a hidden motive. I think that's what may be missing, if this little snippet is any indication. She's not noticing small physical details and parsing them into emotional meaning as most any woman would.
Anyway, that's my take at first blush. Not a whole lot to go on.