FROM CHANDRALEE
I was actually at the game I'm referring to. While I was a Mets fan, I don't understand the finer points of baseball. I've checked facts on Google but don't know if I wrote this the way a really knowledgeable fan would. So all I want to know is that.
Of course, if you have some marvelous suggestions they are welcome. But the rest of the phone call at the end of the paragraph is the important thing. The baseball facts are only background to what follows. Does the writing ring true?
The 1986 World Series between the New York Mets and the Boston Red Sox was especially thrilling. Michael, Earl and I had attended the sixth game the night before. Even, for such an exciting series that game remains unprecedented for its drama. During the first inning a Mets fan parachuted onto the field. The tension only increased after that unusual event. Until the very last second, it looked like the Red Sox would win the Series. The scoreboard actually lit up for a moment, “CONGRATULATIONS, RED SOX.”
Then third baseman, Ray Knight reached home plate and won the game for the Mets, requiring a seventh game.
The three of us were Mets fans and when Earl left Michael and me the night before, we were all elated for the opportunity to suffer another day. On the phone Earl and I discussed the unique aspects of the game the night before.
CRITIQUE
For how dramatic and exciting you say the game was, there’s no drama and excitement in this writing. Needs a lot more detail. I have nothing but questions. If I were you, I’d watch the game again and refresh your memory and emotions.
What happened after the guy parachuted in? What did Red Sox fans think of it? How did you feel? What happened in the game? What was the score? Did anyone spill drinks or throw food or garbage? Were people cursing and gyrating? Did you note any Red Sox fans nearby? What did they act like? When did you feel especially tense? Were Mets fans totally depressed and resigned up to the last second, and then erupted with joy at the win, or did it gradually build like a realization of destiny? How did that feel? Was it kind of scary? Did anyone get hurt? What was the mood of the crowd at different parts of the game? Answer those questions, and you’ll be on your way to a decent piece.
Also, your writing is filled with weak verbs and clutter - “the night before” appears three times. The verb “to be” should always clue you to re-evaluate the wording of a sentence. Here it is with no “to be” verbs and a 25% reduction in clutter:
As ardent Mets fans, Michael, Earl, and I attended the thrilling sixth game of the 1986 World Series between the New York Mets and the Boston Red Sox. No game matched it for drama. During the first inning, a Mets fan parachuted onto the field and ramped up the tension.
Until the last second, everyone thought the Red Sox had the Series in the bag. The scoreboard even displayed “CONGRATULATIONS, RED SOX” for a moment. But then Mets third baseman, Ray Knight, crossed home plate and won the game, forcing a seventh game.
The opportunity to suffer another day elated us, and Earl and I jabbered about the game over the phone later that night.