FROM CITIZEN
Whimsy - Team and Driver
"Hyaaa! Git up!"
The team was running like they were racing the devil. All four horses were lunging in the traces and pulling the wagon faster than they have ever been whipped. The look in their eyes told of a terrible truth that death was behind them. Their heaving lungs were taking every bit of air in the universe. Again the sound of the whip in their ears and the cry of the driver. The terror was behind them and yet they were part of the terror. The five were running the race of the ages.
The driver was cursing vile words of the condemned at the gasping animals focusing them to make for the summit before the dreadful end overcame them. He was wet with sweat, a haggard pall was upon his countenance that one could not mistake for that of a man condemned to the uworld. Terror was in his eyes as he looked over his shoulder at the doom behind him.
The slope started up and he gave the team the reins and they leaned into the harness and sparks sprang from their shoes as they tore at the rocks in the road. The driver lit by the dark light of the iron sparks betrayed the hopelessness of the ride. Higher the grade went, the horses were about spent when the summit came into view. Once more the driver gave the whip and a terrible scream. The horses strained for the last mile.
The boys knew the path and the routine. They had plodded the field these past nine years together. Farmer Yoder was letting his ten year old son plow for the spring planting for the first time. His four boys were set in the harness all abreast and hitched to the plow. Young Jacob knew the horses were the gentlest Belgiums ever bred on the farm. Strong and docile. All he had to do was make the corners and not daydream too much.
"Hyaaa! Git up!"
CRITIQUE
Hmmm...not much to go on...it's not a story or anything. I think you should lose the fifth paragraph...no way anyone’s thinking about farming with death, terror, and doom in hot pursuit. Your verbs are empty (“to be” verbs) and weak (participles, otherwise known as “ing” verbs). To fix most of them, just use simple past tense, and the others you can simply replace with better verbs. You’re repetitive in your language – “running”, “race”, “behind”, “terror/terrible”, “condemned”. Change it up a little. You also overwrite and stretch believability quite a bit.. I’m sure the horses didn’t take “every bit of air in the universe”, I doubt this is “the race of the ages”, the driver can just plain curse, and sparks from the horses’ hooves are not going to light the driver. So something like this:
"Hyaaa! Git up!"
The team ran like they raced the devil. All four horses lunged in the traces and pulled the wagon faster than ever before. Their eyes told of the awful death that chased them. Their heaving lungs sucked in the air, and again, the sound of the whip and the cry of the driver urged them ever faster. The horror stalked them, and yet they were part of the horror as they contended for their lives.
The driver cursed at the gasping animals as he steered them toward the summit before the dreadful end overtook them. He dripped with sweat, and his face, haggard and pale, wore the countenance of a man condemned to the uworld(?). Terrified, he glanced back at the doom behind him.
They started up the slope, and he snapped the reins. The horses leaned into the harness, and sparks flew from their shoes as they tore at the rocks in the road. They neared exhaustion as they approached the summit. Once more the driver cracked the whip and loosed a hopeless scream of the damned, and the horses strained for the last mile.
"Hyaaa! Git up!"