FROM MILKAN
This is just a sample of what I am writing. I know it is hard to judge things when they are taken out of the context of the story. I am worried about the style in which I am writing, if it is overly confusing or has enough "Voice" to carry the lack of action, or if the prose is just flat out bland.
“But this isn’t in process of solar lithography. There are no cast shadows or plenipotentiary divide between what is seen as normal human acts of composition and that of the cyclical nature of the everish. A chasm isn’t the word for it, nor a gap or a slicing line of heated light between a cracked door or the gravity force of a sinking star. Here we have no words for thirst, or the subliminal act of thirst, or the desperation of thirst or the words and actions that construct the emotional death of dehydration.
We lack- YOU, lack the proper metaphors.
Just as a German cannot speak fish, or a Frenchman cannot speak German-we cannot emote what you would have us.
We would not have you.
Your eruptions and cacophony, your blood and bile and emptying carcass. The way you bleed and then use it’s metaphors, it’s sickle cells and white blood to justify what is essentially maturing tantrum. That isn’t foreign to us, nor alien, it is completely inexistent and unwanted.
I am sorry if this offends you.
Of cats and dogs
And Germans and frogs
We do not know.”
CRITIQUE
Well, it's quite a load of gibberish. I seriously doubt context will bring any meaning to it.
Here's the problem...you're trying to portray high intelligence or other-worldliness or whatever through vocabulary and a tortuous style. Honestly, it almost looks as if you went through a dictionary and just splatted the first intelligent sounding words you found in a sentence with no consideration of their meaning. And some, like "everish" and "inexistent" for example, aren't even words.
The way to portray intelligence or other-worldliness is initially through appearance, then action, then ideas...things conspicuously missing from this hodge-podge. You expend a lot of gas to say "I can't explain my world using your language, pal, and I don't know much about yours." For myself, I would expect an alien or netherworld creature to talk a heckuva lot less and act according to strong purposes. Why travel through all those galaxies or dimensions just to make a speech?