FROM J. HORDE
I have read and heard it said that the beginning of a story is what hooks the reader. Thus it must be good. Even though I have read some works with LOUSY beginnings but that I ended up enjoying immensely! Nevertheless, in that spirit I am trying to beat out a palatable beginning to MY story and thought I would let you have a go at it. Now where is that thick skin I leave laying around for times like this?
Just to bring you up to speed, my story opens some days after a great tragedy has befallen my protagonist. Her husband was killed in a workplace shooting.
It would be reported by many that there had been something just slightly amiss about the Gilbert Corley's presence in the emergency room of ___________________ hospital on that bitter November afternoon. A small number would say it was the way he constantly fidgeted, getting up and down from his seat in an almost clockwork fashion. Others would say he seemed to jump at even the most insignificant, yet sudden, noises while he intently dug at his skin. But it was Elinor Markwell, a veteran nurse of the emergency room who happened to catch sight of the peculiar visage on her return from lunch, who would say that she had a feeling that the disheveled Mr. Corley would be a troublesome patient. The trouble that he would bring, however, would be more devastating than what she had envisioned.
Get rid of "would"; use simple past tense. Don't write what people said about what happened, just describe what happened and let the reader judge the personality and feelings of the characters by their actions:
Gilbert Corley entered the Emergency Room, flinching at the sound of each retch and cough, and sat in a waiting room seat. He dried his palms on his thighs and picked at his clothing, as he tap-tap-tapped with his right foot until his leg began to cramp. Elinor Markwell, a veteran nurse, saw him and sighed the sigh of the afflicted. This boy's going to be trouble, she thought. Little did she know how much trouble.