FROM THELMATRITON
Fall
Leaves are falling,
Changing in color,
Winds change direction,
Birds flying south.
You hold my hand.
We go out again.
Everything’s changing,
For better or worse.
We walk down the winding road hand in hand;
Crunching the leaves as we walk upon them.
Looking into each other’s eyes,
We feel as though,
We have finally made it home.
Because while we may fall from time to time.
We will never stay down long enough to be stepped on,
Like the leaves in the fall
CRITIQUE
I think your metaphor is false, vague, and flawed. How was the show, Mrs. Lincoln? Lol.
From a purely factual standpoint, every single one of us will one day “stay down long enough to be stepped on”. Just visit the cemetery some time. You’ll step on lots of people.
I’m sure about now you’re thinking, “Well, I didn’t mean that. I was talking about the relationship. The couple will help each other through life. When one becomes discouraged, the other will encourage. They’ll cherish and protect each other from getting ‘crunched’ in life. They’ll always be in each other’s corner, clinging to and fighting for each other.”
Well, I’ve been married over 30 years, and I know for a fact that my wife and I have been “stepped on” both separately and together, and sometimes, we’ve even “stepped on” each other. So from experience, I can say your metaphor is patently false, or at minimum, naïve. Ah, Youth!
But to tell you the truth, I have no clear idea what exactly you mean by "we may fall from time to time" and “stay down long enough to be stepped on”. I can probably think of at least a dozen things they could mean, but your poem gives no hints. It’s vague to say the least.
The best metaphors compare similar things to create a picture in the reader’s mind. Yours is flawed; it does exactly the opposite. Your poem says, "we may fall from time to time", but all leaves always fall every Autumn and die. Your poem says, “See these dead leaves crunching under our feet? We’re not like that.” Kinda begs the question, “Well, what ARE we like?”
That’s what you need – a metaphor that expresses what the relationship is, not what it isn’t. For example, suppose the couple in the poem were older, in the “autumn” of their lives. Well, crunching leaves in the fall is kinda fun and pleasant, isn’t it? Could you compare that to their future? Though old and dried out, they’ll still find pleasure in each other.
The metaphor is your main problem, but also, avoiding empty verbs goes in spades for poetry. Poetry is the leanest, most focused writing on the planet, and anything weak or blurry stands out like a partially driven nail. This short poem’s chock full of empty verbs that just clutter and blur. And you need to be very careful with “ing” verbs. Read the first two lines – sounds like the leaves change color as they fall. I tend to avoid “ing” verbs as much as possible.
I think you have a great setting – lovers walking on a nice fall day. You just need a clearer understanding of the meaning you intend to convey. Then meaning helps you select better, more appropriate, and precise language and metaphors.