Running for His Life

FROM BENZO

He ran through the night, his lungs burning from his flight for freedom. The harsh needles of the vast pine trees scratching and tearing at his body, filling his thoughts even more with dread and doubt. They were after him and would not stop until he was in their grasp, in the distance he could see Tridia. If he could make it, he could surly evade them in the streets and alleyways of the merchant town, but would his body fail him before he even reached the gates. He could hear their heavy boots running behind him, their keen blades hacking at the branches with such ease, hungry to sink into his flesh. The fear drove him now,with the hope of salvation that the burning city lights gave him. The line of trees began to thin in front of him, maybe the gods were giving him a sign that he would make it to Tridia. That maybe he would lose the foul dogs nipping at his weary heals, that he would finish the most dire task set before him! All those thoughts flew from him as a searing pain drove through his back and the strength in his weary legs gave out, the hard earth meeting him as he thudded to the ground feeling something in his nose snap as he hit. The blackness threatened to take him, so welcoming to taking away his pain, free him from the burdens of the conscious world, NO! he thought to himself. He could not submit, he MUST not submit. Much rested on his message and all could be lost if he were to give in now!With all the effort that he could muster he willed his legs to obey his command, beads of sweat rolled down his brow as he lifted his aching body from the ground, putting one blistered foot in front of the other, slowly gaining momentum mentally blocking the scorching pain behind his shoulder blades. They were closer now, he could see the fires from their torches burning brightly in persuite of him, their wicked armor gleaming in the firelight. He had broken the line of trees in a feeble sprint for the Tridian gates.Glad to be rid of the painful pine trees of ge`laden forrest and afraid that the open field would make him an easy target . He put all that aside focusing on the gates, those gates were his salvation, his sanctuary, his freedom, only a few yards more separated him and Tridia. With the strength of hope surging through him he ran for his life and possibly the fate of all he held dear, past the large oak gates into the traders promenade. A bustling swarm of extravagantly dressed merchants and shady denizens prowling the streets in search of carnal pleasure met him as he pushed his way into the throng, looking for an alley to lose himself in. Halfway through the large market he spotted a walkway and darted for it "MAKE WAY!" he heard behind him as patrons were tossed aside, they had made it into the city, he had to find safe haven in these city walls and he had to find it fast! As he ran down the long curving street he could smell herbs and meat cooking from the houses around him, his stomach churned and bellowed as thoughts of roasted chicken and fresh vegetables in butter drifted into his mind. He shook off the thought and focused once again on his escape, the street started to branch out into medium sized houses made of mortar, some even of clay. Weaving his way through the housing district he saw a rusted out iron grate into the city's ancient sewer system. Lack of time and desperation flung him towards that grate, his weary bones lifting it up and to the side he plunged into the hole, making sure to pull the grate back over the opening. the aromatic scent of cooking was soon replaced with the smell of human waste. It took everything in his power not to heave what little was in his belly from the assault but the sound of his pursuers footsteps held him at bay, their chain mail clanging in unison as they scoured the area. Thanking the gods for the cover of night he peered out the grate and saw what had been hunting him through those many leagues, ten armor clad soldiers, their expressions grave and almost lifeless. They were right on top of him and moving forward, he prayed a silent prayer to the gods when a rat bit into his calf, startled he reached down and swatted the rodent with a splash of the sewage. He froze, they must have heard him! he turned his head upward and silently swore to himself as a grim helmed face stared down at the grate.Was he staring at him?. Or into the darkness that filled his hiding place. Fear overwhelmed him as they stood there, the blood drained from his face, seconds seamed like a lifetime. "Come along you dog! We're going to lose him!" The soldier looked as if he was about to reply, never taking his eyes away, then with a low grunt he turned and rejoined the search. He had done it, he had slipped through their fingers but not forever he knew, this would only be a short reprieve from the hunt. Preparing himself for the pain he knew would come, he reached for the arrow shaft lodged in his back only to find nothing there to explain the throbbing sensation! Not one to question good fortune, he made his way down the sewer tunnel and found a small dry crevis, scurrying the rats that were huddled their he collapsed against the dank stone giving his weary body the rest it so desperately needed. He would get to the village of Gallow and deliver the message, even if it cost him his very life.

CRITIQUE

Whoa, you need to visit Hammer & Tongs for some good suggestions to tighten this up a bit...and put a space between paragraphs next time. As a sample of how you might edit, I'll edit your first few sentences:

He ran through the night, his lungs burning from his flight for freedom. The harsh needles of the vast pine trees scratching and tearing at his body, filling his thoughts even more with dread and doubt. They were after him and would not stop until he was in their grasp, in the distance he could see Tridia. If he could make it, he could surly evade them in the streets and alleyways of the merchant town, but would his body fail him before he even reached the gates.

His lungs burned with the cool night air in his flight for freedom. Pine tree needles scratched and tore and filled him with even more dread and doubt. They pursued him relentlessly, but the merchant town of Tridia opened before him where a maze of streets and alleyways offered ready concealment. If only his strength lasted until he reached the gates!

You see? A 30% word reduction, much more crisp and tight, and no loss of meaning. No "would", "could", "ing" verbs, or empty verbs. Edit the whole thing like that, and you'll see quite an improvement